Salem Yelp reviews

Smith Island

LuvMyVacation - one star

This mysteriously popular vacation spot for Salemites has great scenery and access to the water, but that's where its positives run out. Rentals are limited to cabins that smell of mold and mice, there's no wifi or phone service, no grocery store, and the ferry service is undependable. The locals have seen so many overheated, dysfunctional Salemites that they are surly and unfriendly toward outsiders. Even worse is the local wildlife. Forget about cute critters. These animals look vicious and are decidedly hostile. Worst of all are the raccoons, who actually carry firearms. (Yes, it's true!) Do yourself a favor, skip Smith Island, and take your rustic vacation at some nice place in northern Wisconsin, Minnesota, or Ontario.
Click to expand...

Rocky the Raccoon likes this review.

Comment: Stay away from our island!

tumblr_inline_pqe9zypX3S1rzifqz_540.png
 
Salem Tie City

Smart Dresser -- two stars

Surprisingly, this store does carry a nice selection of decent-quality ties. What causes it to lose stars is its tasteless reliance on its past association with one-time necktie strangler Ben Weston. They actually have ties marked: "Ben's tie of the month," "Recommended by Ben for homicides," or "replica of the tie used by Ben to strangle ........" They even sell posters showing a grinning Ben holding one of their ties. Don't reward this type of tasteless advertising. Get you ties from one of the fine men's shops at the West Salem Mall.
 
Black Patch Detective Agency

Angry Wife - no stars

I'd heard some good things about the two guys who own this agency, but what a disappointment. I was determined to nail my lowdown cheating husband so I could sue for a divorce and get big alimony payments, but nothing was ever done about my case. These guys talked a good game, but whenever, I called, they were always too busy with personal problems, demonic possessions, or their Orpheus obsessions to bother with investigating my Mr. Cheat. Black Patch is a disgrace to the names of Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Thomas Magnum, and even Nancy Drew. My advice is that if you need some investigating done, go to somebody/anybody else, even the much maligned Salem P.D.
 
DrBakerFan said:
Black Patch Detective Agency

Angry Wife - no stars

I'd heard some good things about the two guys who own this agency, but what a disappointment. I was determined to nail my lowdown cheating husband so I could sue for a divorce and get big alimony payments, but nothing was ever done about my case. These guys talked a good game, but whenever, I called, they were always too busy with personal problems, demonic possessions, or their Orpheus obsessions to bother with investigating my Mr. Cheat. Black Patch is a disgrace to the names of Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Thomas Magnum, and even Nancy Drew. My advice is that if you need some investigating done, go to somebody/anybody else, even the much maligned Salem P.D.
Click to expand...
Rafael Hernandez likes this review.

Angry Wife, thanks for the shout out. Despite what anyone thinks, the Salem P.D. is the top choice to stop crime and catch criminals. All the do-it-yourself sleuths we have in town are a major problem Their inept efforts just encourage the criminals. And don't be fooled by the few problem officers that get all the publicity, e.g., Lani Price. Behind the scenes, there are many skilled, dedicated cops who are keeping Salem safe from common crooks.

P.S., Magnum, where did you get those dogs? With a few of them, I could clear the worst career criminals right out of town.
 
Salem Parks

Birdie Watcher - zero stars

Everyone needs to stay clear of the Salem parks. Between drug deals, shootings, attempted shootings, murders, muggings, the occasional makeshift grave being dug out (by hand, no less) and I swear to God, tiger sightings, these places are so dangerous, they makes the Salem Pier seem like Horton Town Square.

Why doesn't Commissioner Hernandez put some manpower on cleaning up these crime-infested green spaces???
 
Basic Black

Ms. Stylish - one star.

Fashionistas who patronize Salem's better women's clothing stores should bypass anything with this label. Its designs are trite an unoriginal. In fact most of their line consists of "little black dresses" that resemble those worn by great-grandma when she was nightclubbing back in the 1950s, This is not surprising since the company's original founder was usually in a coma and the the fashion experience of the current leadership would fit on the head of a pin. The only thing positive about these "creations" is that they won't fall apart if you're caught in the rain.
 
Brady Pub

Mr. Mojito -- two stars

This place serves decent food and drinks and has a nice decor, but the owner/bartender leaves a lot to be desired. I'd heard rumors that he tells barflies who are crying in their beer that their troubles are their own fault, and then yesterday I saw him in action. He was giving no slack to a stylishly dressed older lady and was pontificating on why poor, downtrodden Lucas Roberts belongs in prison for once kidnapping screechy Sami Brady. (Is that even a crime?) If you want a sympathetic ear with your vodka and tonic, my advice is to forget the Pub and try one of Salem's other saloons.
 
Basic Black

Red Hot Momma - four stars

I was shocked to see a bad review for Basic Black fashions. This label has my go-to fashion house for years. Their dresses are just the thing to get my aging, dud husband's motor running again. And any complaints that the current leadership lacks relevant experience is way off the mark. They are well connected to the Salem luv scene and know just what women need to keep up her allure.
 
Law Offices of Sloan Peterson

Cat Lover -- no stars

When my neighbor refused to return my lost cat, Mr. Purrsalot, I decided to get a lawyer. Since that nice cat law expert, Carrie Reed, has left town, I decided to give the new attorney in Salem, Sloan Peterson, a try. What a mistake. When she realized that I wasn't looking for help to further a criminal blackmail scheme, she rudely showed me the door. What kind of lawyer is this??

Law Offices of Justin Kiriakis

Cat Lover -- five stars

Justin is great. He got my wandering kitty, Mr. Purrsalot, back from my nasty, catnapping neighbor in a jiffy. His lawyer's letter had this creep shaking in his boots. A plus was that our consultation was at the posh Kiriakis mansion! What a place! I strongly recommend Justin for all your legal needs.
 
Last edited:
Brady Pub

Clam Chowder King — two stars.

The Pub still serves great food, but the atmosphere has definitely gone downhill recently. Patrons will now probably be distracted from the pleasant Irish pub decor by the sight of the owner Roman’s seedy son, looking utterly miserable, slowly drinking himself under the table. Just as distracting is the ugly, ornate urn right on the bar that reportedly contains the ashes of Roman’s spouse, Kate Roberts Brady. We understand the need to grieve, but there are limits. Finally, one can no longer even be sure the place will be open. Recently two paying customers were actually asked to leave in the midle of their meal so that Roman could conspire about something with two cronies! The Pub is a local tradition, but it better up its game before customers go elsewhere for their burgers and chowder.
 
Law Offices of Sloan Peterson

Angry Divorcee — no stars

When I decided that I needed more alimony from my miserly ex-husband, I thought that a hard-charging woman attorney would be just the thing. Was I ever wrong. Sloan Peterson never answered my phone calls, neglected my case and was so unprepared when we finally got to court that she alienated the judge. As a result, the slick shyster my ex hired talked the judge into actually reducing my alimony! I would have been better off with lost cat lawyer, Carrie Reed, or bumbling Belle Black who reportedly once wanted to pull the plug on her own mother.
 
Sweet Bits

Mr. Crumb Cake — three stars

Having heard that an annoying co-owner of this establishment had fled to the southern hemisphere, I decided to it another try. I was not disappointed. The quality of the baked goods is much improved and there are no more stupid games or food fights between the co-owners. A surprise plus is that the new hire is an M.D. who would rather work at a good bakery than third-rate University Hospital. This means that if you’re feeling queasy after eating tainted clam chowder at the Pub or have been literally buffaloed aside by an angry Paulina Price, medical assistance is close by,
 
The Bistro

Action Fan — five stars

The food here is only OK (maybe three stars), but where else can you be shown to your table by a mob princess or be greeted by a real, live DiMera. Better yet, during my visit here there was an exciting drug raid conducted by tough-guy cop Harris Michaels himself. I can’t wait for my next visit. Maybe while I’m enjoying my mojito (very good), I’ll get to see a suspect hauled off in cuffs, spot Xander Kiriakis in a kilt, or watch somebody violently confront the provocative Lady Whistle Blower.
 
The Bistro

Gourmet — one star

This place is disappointing. Any resemblance to a real French bistro is purely coincidental. As for the food, it’s strictly mediocre. You can eat as well for far less at Sonny Kiriakis’s old favorite, the local Big Boy. Atmosphere is decidedly lacking when your hosts are a retired mob princess and a second-string DiMera whose mustache makes him look like Doug from the Liberty Mutual commercials. In fact the resemblance is strong enough that I expected the emu to make an appearance. The bottom line is that unless you enjoy watching the Salem cops stage a drug raid, give this eatery a miss.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top