Salem Spectator Society Page

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OUR NEW MAYOR AND D.A.
Salemites were thrilled to learn that the feckless Mayor No Name has resigned and the distinguished Mr. Abraham Carver has been named to replace him. As all Salemites will recall, Mr. Carver was mayor [before] the tragic tunnels explosion, [having lost] his reelection bid to career criminal Elvis J. DiMera. In addition, Mr. Carver has been involved in the Salem P.D.'s futile efforts to bring down the DiMera crime empire and end the drug scourge in our city. In his first act as mayor, Mr. Carver named accomplished adulterer Mr. Justin Kiriakis as district attorney. Mr. Kiriakis is best known for defending the notorious Salem screecher, Sami Brady, against murder charges and briefly leading the Mad World cosmetics company. Reportedly, Mr. Kiriakis's first act in office was to go drinking at Club TBD with washed-up torch singer, known schemer, and accomplished Town Square ranter, Ms. Eve Larson.
 
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Hey, Doody-Head Society people,

How DARE you call my beloved smoochy-moochy a career criminal???? He changed... changed... CHANGED, I tell you!

And where do you get off calling me the notorious Salem screecher???

I HATE YOU!!!

Sami Brady-DiMera
 
Presidential candidates Donald Trump and Jeb Bush will be making appearances this week in Salem. Mr. Trump will making a speech at Salem University on Wednesday. Mr. Bush will be in town Friday for a fundraiser at club TBD.
 
DrBakerFan said:
Mr. Carver was mayor at the time of the tragic tunnels explosion
Click to expand...
Correction:
EJ DiMera was mayor at the time of the tunnel explosion, having won honestly and without using criminal connections in any way. However one can hardly hold him responsible for the explosions, as he was busy fleeing murder charges at the time.
 
ANOTHER BIG YEAR BEGINS AT SALEM U.
Once again, another big fall semester has begun at Salem U. There has been the excitement of move-in day, eager students rushing to their first classes, and the dedicated faculty starting the important task of imparting knowledge into inquiring minds. Over on the practice field, the fighting Salem U. eleven is preparing for its big opening game this weekend against the West Salem College Garden Snails. With many starters returning, the always-wise Head Coach Blitz DiFence is expecting a great year. Sadly, the festive campus atmosphere has been marred by the strangling of brilliant sophomore Paige Larson in her dorm room, the first campus homicide since 2007 when frat boy ladies man Mr. Ford Decker died under mysterious circumstances and was buried in a sorority house basement. The Fraternity Council has announced plans to honor Ms. Larson with a moment of silence at the semester's first kegger. This reporter will be there, and I encourage all lovers of alcoholic beverages to attend.
 
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BELOVED BUSINESSMAN STRICKEN
Salem society was shocked today to learn that respected international businessman, family patriarch, and master manipulator Mr. Stefano DiMera, had been stricken with a heart attack. Thanks to the heroic efforts of his always-loyal son and current murder suspect, Mr. Chad DiMera, Mr. DiMera was rushed to Salem University Hospital, where because of the capable leadership of Dr. Kayla Johnson, he is under the care of a qualified cardiologist, and not a certain medical jack-of-all-trades/drooling hospital-gown fetishist. Informed sources at the DiMera mansion have issued assurances that Mr. DiMera insists that his current health problems not affect this year's visit to the mansion gardens by the Salem Birdwatchers Society, the annual Santo DiMera memorial fest and feast in the Town Square, the the Hallowe'en candlelight tours of the mansion. Surely, all Salemites are grateful for Mr. DiMera's selfless attitude and wish him a quick recovery.
 
POPULAR SALEMITE RETURNS
Salem society is buzzing today over the release of Ms. Gabriella Hernandez from prison and her return to Salem. Joyfully welcoming Ms. Hernandez back to Salem are her brother, the recently reinstated Salem P.D. detective Rafael Hernandez; her adorable little daughter Arianna, who is currently battling Master Tate "Tater Tot" Black for the title of cutest child in Salem; and her daughter's father, Mr. Will Horton, the well known weepy, whiny hack writer, whose husband, Mr. Sonny Kirakis, recently left him for the bright lights of Paris. As many will recall, Ms. Hernandez was suspected of complicity in the kidnapping of Ms. Melanie Jonas in 2012 before fatally shooting science genius turned all-around creep Mr. Nicholas Fallon in May of last year.
 
Salem police have put the city on a 11:00 p.m. curfew until the Necktie Killer has been captured. All businesses must close by 10:30 to allow patrons time to get home before 11:00. Please be alert and report any unusual people or activity to the Salem Police at 555-2356.
 
INTREPID SALEM ADVENTURER RETURNS
Salem was buzzing this week over the news that the dauntless Mr. Steven Earl Johnson has returned to Salem after a long hiatus. Mr. Johnson, affectionately known to many as "Patch," recently completed an ultra-secret assignment for the mysterious ISA. Sadly, Mr. Johnson has reportedly received a rather tepid welcome from his resentful ex-wife, noted physician Dr. Kayla Johnson, and his slacker teenaged son, Joseph. As many in our city will recall, in addition to his work for the ISA, Mr. Johnson has carried out freelance assignments and has been the sometime brainwashed tool of famous international businessman and master criminal Mr. Stefano DiMera. During his last stay in Salem, Mr. Johnson's exploits included helping Mr. and Mrs. Shawn Brady keep custody of their little daughter, dragging Mr. DiMera before Titan TV cameras after the mysterious death of his estranged son, Mr. Benjy Hawk, and miraculously surviving when the Black jet crashed in Greenland. Those who hope to listen in as Mr. Johnson describes his most recent adventures in exotic foreign locales had better hurry. According to informed sources, Mr. Johnson is about to embark on yet another dangerous mission -- locating the long-lost former Salem P.D. detective Mr. Beauregard Brady. I'm sure all Salemites wish Mr. Johnson well on his latest perilous adventure and are looking forward to his return with Mr. Brady.
 
Pope Francis will make a surprise visit to Salem on Friday according to a source inside the Vatican. The purpose of his visit could be to honor former long time friend Father Matt who died last year. He may also visit former priest Eric Brady while in town. When contacted by the Salem Spectator for comment about a possible papal visit, Mr. Brady replied that he was pretty busy mourning the loss of the love of his life, Serena Mason. Mr. Brady also asked Salemites to stop asking him to hear their confessions as he no longer was in the priesthood.
 
DEADBEAT DAD ARRIVES IN SALEM
The Salem social scene is atwitter over the arrival this week of Mr. Eduardo Hernandez who's here to attend the funeral of this late daughter, Salem U. student Ms. Paige Larson. Since his return, Mr. Hernandez has been angrily confronted by his more-than-resentful ex-wife, retired torch singer and Town Square ranter, Eve Larson, and his estranged son, Detective Rafael Hernandez of the Salem P.D., who is currently working tirelessly to bring the dreaded necktie killer to justice. Apparently, the only persons welcoming Mr. Hernandez were the members of Salem's deadbeat dads support group who were glad to see someone who is a worse husband and father than they are, and former cosmetics executive, Ms. Kate Roberts Brady, a woman with a history of consorting with unsuitable men, who was last seen giving Mr. Hernandez her best come-hither look at Club TBD. Mr. Hernandez, who has no visible means of support, has so far not indictated if he will be remaining in Salam after his dear daughter's funeral.
 
DIMERA HOLIDAY CHARITY BALL STILL SET
A DiMera spokesperson has indicated that the annual Mansion Holiday Charity Ball will be held despite the current bit of unpleasantness involving Mr. Chadsworth DiMera. Ms. Giselle van Hopper, the leader of Salem high society, greeted the news with great pleasure since the the event, held in the DiMera mansion ballroom, has long been a highlight of the winter social season. Unfortunately, it was revealed that Mr. Chadsworth DiMera may not be able to attend because he is presently a fugitive and the only suspect in the infamous necktie killer case. Others who are reportedly not on the guest list are Ms. Abigail Deveraux, the former shower-mate of the late Mr. EJ DiMera; noted attorney Mr. Aiden Jennings, who is currently preoccupied with his financial problems; the vulgar trucking executive and suspected drug kingpin, Mr. Clyde Weston, who recently planted a listening device in the mansion library; Mr. Eduardo Larson, who is leading a pitchfork-carrying lynch mob that is pursuing Mr. Chadsworth DiMera; and businessman Mr. Alexandros Cook who is presently incarcerated for allegedly attempting to assault Ms. Jeannie Theresa Donovan, one of the new owners of the famous Basic Black dress-design firm. Despite these absences, mansion sources have assured the Salem social set that the ball will be as lavish and festive as usual.
 
SALEM DEADBEAT DADS GROUP MEETING TO CONVENE
The Salem Deadbeat Dads Group announces it's October meeting taking place at Horton Town Square on October 30. Noted members include Jackson "Sonny" Kiriakis, Justin Kiriakis, Steve "Patch" Johnson, Bo Brady, Clyde Weston, and sometimes John Black. The group would also like to warmly welcome its newest member, Eduardo Hernandez.
 
Bo Brady finally makes his long awaited return to Salem only to find the town deserted. The necktie killer has murdered everyone and then hung himself with his final necktie. Bo decides to go on another secret mission but first goes to the pub for some clam chowder.
 
PROMINENT PHILANTHROPIST TO SPEND TIME IN FLORIDA
Salemites are buzzing about the just-announced plans of Mr. Clyde Weston, the noted trucking company executive and philanthropist, to spend some time in sunny Florida. Details are sketchy, but those in the know say that Mr. Weston will be journeying to the Sunshine State to deal with the fall-out over one his many business enterprises running afoul of law enforcement. It's currently unknown how long Mr. Weston will be away from Salem or in which desirable Florida locale -- Miami, Sarasota, Orlando, etc. -- he will be residing.
 
SALEM JOURNALIST MURDERED
William Roberts Horton is the latest victim of the notorious Salem Red Necktie Killer. Mr. Horton grew up in Salem and Switzerland and was a beloved member of Salem Society. He most recently was employed as a journalist for Salem tabloid, Sonix Magazine where is he most famous for penning the coming out story of retired baseball star and his step-uncle/ex-lover Paul Narita.

Mr. Horton is survived by the following Salemites/immediate family members:
  • Daughter--Arianna Grace Horton
  • Husband--Jackson "Sonny" Kiriakis
  • Baby Mama--Gabriela Hernandez
  • Mother--Samantha Gene Brady Reed Reed Horton Dimera Hernandez Dimera
  • Father--Lucas Roberts Horton
  • Sister--Alice "Allie" Caroline Horton
  • Brother--Johnny Dimera
  • Sister--Sydney Dimera
  • Paternal Grandmother--Kate Roberts
  • Paternal Grandfather--Bill Horton
  • Maternal Grandmother--Dr. Marlena Evans North Craig Brady Black
  • Maternal Grandfather--Police Commissioner Roman Brady
  • Maternal Great Grandmother--Caroline Brady
  • Uncle--Former Father Eric Brady
  • Aunt--Carrie Brady Reed
  • Aunt--Belle Black Brady
  • Step-Uncle--Brady Black
  • Step-Uncle--Newly discovered Paul Narita:eek:
  • Aunt--Jennifer Horton Deveraux
  • Uncle--Dr. Michael Horton
  • Uncle--Austin Reed
  • Aunt--Billie Reed
  • Uncle--Philip Kiriakis
  • Great Aunt--Dr. Kayla Brady
  • Great Aunt--Kimberly Brady Donovan
  • Great Uncle--Shane Donovan
  • Uncle--Bo Brady
  • Cousin--Abigail Deveraux
  • Cousin--JJ Deveraux
  • Cousin--Jeannie Theresa Donovan
  • Cousin--Andrew Donovan
  • Cousin--Tate Donovan Black
  • Cousin--Ciara Alice Brady
  • Cousin--Shawn-Douglas Brady
  • Cousin--Chelsea Brady
  • Cousin--Joey Johnson
  • Cousin--Stephanie Johnson
  • Cousin--Claire Brady
  • Cousin--Baby No Name Reed
  • Cousin--Hope Williams Brady
  • Cousin--Julie Olsen Williams
  • Step-Cousin--Eve Donovan Larsen
  • Former Stepfather/Arianna's Uncle--Detective Rafe Hernandez
St. Luke's Church kindly asks any Salemite NOT related to Mr. Horton to please leave town or stay home on the day of the funeral so as to provide ample parking for mourners. May he rest in peace.
 
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Heather, how long did it take you to type up that list? Impressive! :eek:
 
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