If Life in Salem Made Any Sense

If life in Salem made any sense, Jenny's paper might be running these stories.

Newlywed Cops, Eli and Lani Grant, Enjoy Wedding Toast to Celebrate the Imprisonment of Kristen DiMera.

Resurrected Ava Vitali Busted by Cops After Tip from Steve Johnson.

Brits Refuse to Charge Tripp Dalton for Alleged Allie Brady Rape; Say the Case Is Too Old and the Evidence Too Sketchy.

Jan Spears's Plans to Ruin Shawn-Belle Wedding Foiled; We Saw Her Coming a Mile Away Says Happy Couple.

Victor Ousts Philip as Titan co-CEO After Quick Discovery of His Money-Laundering Plans.

Gabi Hernandez Charged with Public Indecency After Wearing Way-Too-Tight Dress.
 
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Once again, if life in Salem ever made any sense, Jenny's paper (with no help from her) would be running these stories

Ex-Nanny Gwen Busted by the Salem Cops for Vagrancy.

Pub Throws Gala Apology Party for the Falsely-Accused Tripp Dalton.

Troubled Charlie Dale Doesn't Pass "Go," but Instead Goes Directly to Bayview.

Ivan Marais Brings the Kidnapped Grant Twins to the Police Station; Says Latest Vivian Revenge Plot Was Too Much Even for Him.

Shins Bypass Incompetent DiMera Family Members in Nationwide Search for New CEO to Replace Bumbling Chad.

Citing Repeated Irregularities, University Hospital Announces That It Will Outsource All DNA Tests to Top Chicago Lab.
 
If life in Salem made sense, the bereaved Jenny's paper would be running these headlines.

London Cops Drag Charlie Dale Back to Britain Citing New, Conclusive Evidence of his Guilt.

Endangered Ava Vitali Hidden Away in Salem P.D. Safe House.

Was Laura Murdered? Most Salemites Don't Care.

Career Criminal Orpheus Quickly Recaptured After Latest Escape Attempt.

Philip Kiriakis out at Titan. Daddy Victor Buys Him a Big Boy Hamburger Franchise.

Missing Ciara Brady Escapes from Captivity; Stupidity of Her Guard Reportedly Enabled Her Flight to Freedom.

D.A. Trasks Promises No Deals for Clueless Kidnappers Ivan and Vivian.
 
If life in Salem made any sense, Jenny would be running these headlines.

Kristen DiMera Caught by Salem P.D. While Impersonating Eccentric Susan Banks; Years Added to Her Sentence.

Kiriakis-Horton Nuptials Go off Without a Hitch; Jack Deveraux Stars in the Role of Best Man.

Christian Maddox Back in Bayview After Imprisoning Ciara Brady.

Convicts Name Clyde Weston Inmate of the Month for Shanking Odious Orpheus.

Theo Carver Returns to Salem: Finds Life Here Weirder Than Ever.

Sami Brady Cleared In Charlie Dale Slaying' Commissioner Hernandez Declares Her Too Scatterbrained to Be Guilty.
 
If life in Salem really made any sense, Gwen would realize her vendetta against Abby & the Deverauxs was wrong, she was led astray, & she would not expect Jack to abandon his family for her. Instead, she would try and make amends.

Belle & Shawn would be shown more involved in the life of their daughter, Claire, their friends, Chloe, Philip, Brady

Lucas would be front & center with Allie's problems.

Nicole would realize that, despite the love they share, she is not #1 in Eric's life. Good works by him is what he loves and wants.
 
If life in Salem made any sense, things in Salem would be a lot less complicated.

Kayla would have fired Snyder long ago.

Paulina's plans for the Town Square would have been quickly scuttled by the Building Department and Zoning Board.

Chanel would have decided to learn about running a small business before opening her bake shop.

Sami would have realized that she was far happier with Lucas than the smug, bossy, former mummy.

Li Shin, aware of what a fool EJ is, would have stopped his effort to oust Jake in its tracks.

Kate would have realized that the games she was playing with Jake were childish and stupid and unbecoming of a woman her age.

Victor would have realized that Philip's main priority is bedding Chloe not running Titan, and would have reinstated Xander as CEO.

Xander would have insisted on calling the EMTs after Snyder keeled over.
 
DrBakerFan said:
Chanel would have decided to learn about running a small business before opening her bake shop.
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This storyline makes me laugh because I have a friend who just graduated from culinary and pastry school. Her dream is to open a little bake shop and I see everything she's done, and still has to do, to make that dream a reality. So Chanel just saying "Allie makes great doughnuts, I'm a good baker and I have grandma's pie recipe, so we're good to go" is hilarious.
 
Well, Just Samantha, it appears the ability to tie one's own shoes is all it takes to become a CEO of a multi national company in Salem so of course the fact that I can make pie and you can make doughnuts means we'll be super successful.

And, once we take that knowledge and can tie our shoes, we can run either Titan or DiMera, depending on who needs us most.
 
Just Samantha said:
Allie makes great doughnuts, I'm a good baker and I have grandma's pie recipe, so we're good to go" is hilarious.
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Then again, I've seen people (and they have entire TV show franchises built around those) who open with a little more than some cash and a vague idea of a business plan. So, this in my opinion is one of the more down-to-earth stories on this nutburger show.
 
If life in Salem made any sense, Jack's Spectator would be publishing the following headlines.

Salem's Lawyers Laugh at Ciara Brady's Effort to Annul Her Marriage.

Victor Kiriakis Again Loses Faith in Son Philip Because of His Pursuit of Ditzy Diva Chloe Lane; Xander Kiriakis Resumes CEO Duties.

Basic Black Declares Bankruptcy; Experts Cite Incompetent Leadership.

Eli Grant Drops Probe into Heart-Attack Victim's Death; Announces New Task Force to Apprehend Kristen DiMera.

Maggie Kiriakis Demands Information on Whereabouts of Daughter Sarah.

D.A. Trask Seeks Fraud Indictment for Paulina Price in Town Square Redevelopment Scam.
 
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If life in Salem made any sense, the following events will happen soon.

Unable to work in South Africa because she can't get a work permit and mugged near home, Claire returns to Salem in disgust.

Sweet Bits bakery closes after a month because the co-owners got bored with the whole thing.

As the thrill of hot, non-stop bedtime activity fades, Ben and Ciara find themselves at loose ends.

Rafe starts to wonder if Ava's good meals are worth the drama that comes with them.

Jake realizes that Gabi is nothing but a cheap schemer and the whole idea of himself as a bigtime businessman is absurd, and goes back to oil changes and brake adjustments.

A fed-up Victor tells Philip to spend more time running Titan and less wooing Chloe.

Numerous candidates announce for the next mayoral election, charging that Abe's negligence and nepotism almost cost Salem its beloved Town Square.
 
Ben and Ciara fret over how they can afford to have a baby.

A fed-up Rafe tells Gabi and Jake to shape-up or ship out.

Johnny finally realizes that his Marlena possession story is trite and offensive.

Sweet Bits is on the verge of closing because no customers ever seem to buy anything.

Abe wonders if a relationship with Paulina will seriously harm his political career.

A competent judge throws out all the charges against Xander based on lack of evidence.

Another psychiatrist puts a quick end to Marlena's "possession" by convincing her that the whole thing is a figment of her overactive imagination.

Chanel realizes that she can do much better than the annoying, immature Johnny.

Lucas and Xander team up to bring down EJ one way or another.
 
DrBakerFan said:
Ben and Ciara fret over how they can afford to have a baby.

A fed-up Rafe tells Gabi and Jake to shape-up or ship out.

Johnny finally realizes that his Marlena possession story is trite and offensive.

Sweet Bits is on the verge of closing because no customers ever seem to buy anything.

Abe wonders if a relationship with Paulina will seriously harm his political career.

A competent judge throws out all the charges against Xander based on lack of evidence.

Another psychiatrist puts a quick end to Marlena's "possession" by convincing her that the whole thing is a figment of her overactive imagination.

Chanel realizes that she can do much better than the annoying, immature Johnny.

Lucas and Xander team up to bring down EJ one way or another.
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PERFECT!!!
 
If life in Salem made any sense, the following would have happened.

John would have had the "possessed" Marlena admitted to Bayview.

Julie would have hired an attorney (not Justin) and gotten poor Doug out of Bayview.

Trask would have reluctantly given Xander back his money.

Somebody (maybe Lucas) would now be wondering where Sami has gone.

Victor would have told Philly to give up his foolish obsession with the diva or he'll be bringing back Xander as CEO.

The judicial ethics committee would be investigating that disgrace to the bench, Judge Smails.

Rafe finally realizes that being involved with a former mob queen isn't exactly the best look for a police commissioner.

Gabi and Jake face reality and start collecting unemployment benefits.
 
The Devil would have realized he's wasting his time messing with people as unimportant as Salemites.

Victor would have gotten snarling, jealous Philip a good psychiatrist (not Marlena).

Gwen would have suggested that she and Xander move away from Salem, a town that has no use for either of them.

Chloe would have realized that hyper-jealous Philip is more trouble than he's worth.

Henderson would have pitched Jake and Gabi into the street before they even had a chance to bother Victor.

Gwen and Ava would have laughed at Kristen's suggestion that they help her.

The prison guards would have told Kristen that "we know where you live" only works in movies.

Rexy would have realized that going back to Salem is never a good idea.

A disgusted Allie would have sold the bakery to new owners who would actually stick with it and not go off to Italy on a whim.
 
Abigail will soon team-up with the mighty Patch and together they'll put an end to creepy Kriten's island "resort."

The clever, experienced Kate will soon sort out the truth about Abigail's disappearance. Nothing gets past Ms. Roberts.

Stressed-out Gwen will have a nervous breakdown after hearing Xander's professions of love, while knowing the truth about Abigail and Sarah.

The state appeals court would toss out EJ's absurd conviction, which is based on decidedly sketchy evidence.

Investigators will soon realize that the corruption case against Rafe is a trumped-up joke.

Paulina would get a grip and realize that the presence of Rotten Ray is not an existential threat to her life.

Everyone would realize that Little Johnny isn't playing with a full deck and arrange for him to take a Bayview vacation.

Allie and Chanel would realize that getting up at the crack of dawn to do baking for Sweet Bits doesn't fit with their lifestyle.
 
If life in Salem made any sense:

EJ would be out on bail pending the results of his appeal;

Belle would be suspended from the bar for attempting to handle a criminal trial, something that she was clearly unqualified to do;

Little Johnny would now be in Bayview;

Sweet Bits would be going out of business because its owners were so busy with their personal lives that the store was rarely open;

Kristen would be firmly tied to a chair, while Steve, Abigail, Kayla, and Sarah would be floating on the high seas, waiting for a passing ship;

Victor would have ordered Henderson never to allow Gabi and Jake into the K-Mansion;

Melinda would be chewing the rug because all charges against Rafe have been dismissed;


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