The News According to Sami: Spoiler Edition

Jenny confronts Brady about keeping Nicole and Eric apart. That mother-of-a-tramp should just keep her mouth shut. Brady should try to save bad twin Eric from the babyswitcher. Hasn't he suffered enough.

Steve has a romantic evening with Kayla. Very nice. I do love romance. Luckily, nobody is more romantic than my handsome, changed smoochy-moochy. A romantic aura simply follows him wherever he goes. :):love:

Marlena's plans. Hopefully, these include finally dumping that life-ruiner John Black and returning to wonderful Daddy. Why stay with the coma king? He's always running off on some stoopid, pointless ISA mission.

Abigail and Theo race to save Chad. Good luck to Theo. He won't get any help from the super-tramp. She's too easily distracted by other women's fiances.
 
Abigail is seriously hurt. This is very good news for the women in Salem. They won't have to worry that the man-stealing tramp will try to lure their men into tacky trysts or into the shower.

Eric shares his troubles with Roman. Poor Daddy. Why should he have to listen to the bad twin's tales of woe? Let him go moan to Jenny or the babyswitcher.

Nicole lies to Brady. This poor dolt shouldn't be surprised. Babyswitcher Nicole lies like she breathes. She just can't help it.

John has words with Kate: Go, hag, go. Unsheathe your claws and let the life-ruiner have it.
 
"Marlena" breaks up with John. Oh joy, My prayers have been answered. Mom has finally dumped that life-ruining doodyhead. Now she has to rush back to Daddy, who I'm sure will welcome her with open arms and a tasty Brady Burger.

Bonnie breaks Lucas's heart. Why is my Lucas still wasting his time looking for romance in all the wrong places. He'll never find anyone nearly as wonderful as myself. Frankly, he should just give up and join a monastery.

Marlena is trapped. OMG, I bet that awful John Black is holding Mom captive to keep her from rushing back to Daddy's loving arms. I HATE him!

Brady makes a shocking discovery in Eric's room. This I simply don't believe. I bet all that stoopid Eric has in his room are a kneeler, crucifix, and prayer book. In addition to being the bad twin, he's also the boring twin.
 
Adrienne ends up in prison. This is a nice surprise. What happened, they must have made stealing my Lucas a felony? Anyway, both Adrienne and her worthless son, Sonny, both in jail at the same time! Priceless! :):)

Bonnie is drawn to Lucas. That cheap tramp better keep her nasty paws off my Lucas. And yes, he is my Lucas. Once a man marries me, regardless of what happens later, he's mine for life.

Marlena pleads for John's help. Poor Mom, she just never learns. Doodyhead John Black can't help her. He can't even help himself. If he could, he wouldn't be setting world records for being in comas.

John punches Roman: What an outrage! This time the tabletop-loving life-ruiner has gone way too far. If my Rafe doesn't arrest the doodyhead, I think I'll ask my handsome, muscular son, Xander, to return to Salem to beat him senseless. By the way, Xander is one of my children, isn't he?
 
Kate kisses someone. OMG, please tell me that it wasn't my poor, desperate, kissless Daddy. Any man who gets a wet one from that foul hag is sure to get cooties or worse. (I'll bet that her former victim, my Rafe, is still scratching himself from time to time.)

Lucas gets drunk. No surprise here. It's probably the best way for him to cope with the realization that he's lost me forever. My heart belongs only to EJ, my darling, handsome, brilliant, charismatic, changed smoochy-moochy.

John and Marlena are working together on the Hattie situation. How can this be!? :eek: Mom just dumped the life-ruiner. That lowlife doodyhead must have drugged her. It's the only explanation.

Nicole is tempted to confide in Eric. Yuck, just what the bad twin doesn't need -- hearing about the unseemly secrets of the babyswitcher. Listening to her is sure to make him even more of a gloomy sourpuss than he already is.

Chad plans to remarry Abigail. What is Chad thinking? Not only is Jenny's awful daughter a man-stealing tramp, but recent events demonstrate that she's not playing with a full deck. It's really a shame that he doesn't have the same good taste in women possessed by my smoochy-moochy.
 
Rafe conspires with Hope and Abe. What's wrong with my Rafe? Why is he getting involved with second-raters like old Granny Hope and sad-sack Mayor Abe?? After being married to me, he should know what first class means.

Lucas is shocked and turns to Chloe. OMG, another one of my ex-husbands has gone off the rails. My Lucas is scraping rock bottom if he's turned to the depraved diva. As I've said before, he should join a monastery.

John is in a predicament. What else is new? From that infamous tabletop to the coma ward, this doodyhead's whole life has been one big predicament.

Andre has a therapy session with "Marlena." Why does Andre think he needs therapy. Being a DiMera means never having to say that you need help (or that you're sorry). Did my changed smoochy-moochy or his dear old daddy ever turn to some head-shrinker?

Nicole gets bad news about Holly. Good grief, will those stoopid fools in Salem family court just give the babyswitcher her kid. She could never live up to the high standards of motherhood that I set, but she'd be no worse than any of the other maternal mediocrities who live in Salem, such as busybody Maggie, Kate the hag, Granny Hope, and awful Adrienne.
 
Adrienne gets an ally. This is truly hard to believe. Why would anyone want to join forces with this woman? She's a poor judge of character (saying that my Will wasn't good enough for her bratty son) and a poor businesswoman (when was the last time she showed up at her stoopid, failing newspaper?).

John and Marlena move to escape. :angry:I don't like the sound of this. What I'd like to hear is that Mom is finally escaping from the life-ruining doodyhead.

Rafe, Hope, and Eli race to save Gabi. Good grief, my Rafe's little sister is turning into a real sad sack. It's too bad she can't find a real man like my handsome EJ. Unfortunately, that's not possible because my changed smoochy-moochy is one of a kind.
 
Hope is reluctant to marry Rafe right away. Maybe, my Rafe won't end up married to old Granny Hope after all. :) After all, this over-the-hill cop is better suited to evenings playing bingo at the Salem Senior Center.

John advises Brady. OMG, creepy coma king John Black is trying to ruin another life with his uniquely bad advice. That poor dolt Brady would be well advised to seek advice somewhere, anywhere else.

Marlena suspects Adrienne is working with Hattie. Mom is probably onto something here. Adrienne is a woman of no character and is capable of anything. After all, she made such a fuss about my perfect Will not being good enough for her Big Boy Hamburger kid of a son.

Lucas is drunk again. Poor, poor Lucas. Who knew he's still all broken up over the failure of our relationship. Maybe, I'll send him a note of encouragement. I'm sure he'd love to hear from me.
 
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Lucas's downward spiral. Why did my Lucas ever get involved with the awful Kiriakis woman? And without me there to comfort him, he's in real trouble.
Brady makes a demand of Eric. Why is that stoopid Kiriakis thug picking on the poor, downtrodden bad twin? I'm the only one who's allowed to dump on him.
Hope is a candidate for police commissioner [OMG, who would want old Granny Hope as police commissioner? When would she have the time? She'd always be playing bingo with the other oldsters at the Salem Senior Center.
Sonny dreams of Will. He's probably dreaming that my Will is telling him, "My very smart mother was right about you. You're not good enough for me."
 
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Sonny discusses Will with Paul. The twerpy little Big Boy is probably telling the ex-pitcher that he was never, ever good enough for my Will. Come to think of it, he's also probably not good enough for the former ball-player either.

Marlena quizzes Eric about his love life. Mom shouldn't waste her time. Who cares about these two? By the way, here's a little ditty I made up about them: "The babyswitcher and the bad twin went to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat -- and were never seen again. :)"

Somebody escapes from Bayview. Whatever. The only news about Bayview that I want to hear is that John Black has been committed there, this time for real. This demented life-ruiner is a danger to society. And to borrow one of his favorite stoopid sayings, that's a fact.

P.S. Do you want to hear another fact? Smoochy-moochy EJ did so change.
 
Chloe drops a bombshell on Nicole about Eric. [The trampy diva should keep her big mouth shut. The only one who's allowed to talk about the bad twin is me. As stoopid John would say, "that's a fact."]

Lucas gets shocking news. [Poor Lucas, his life is really a mess. It almost makes me regret that our relationship didn't work out because he'd be so happy now if we'd stayed together. Unfortunately for him, my darling, changed smoochy-moochy and I were simply destined to be together.]

Paul gets disappointing news. [What ever it was, it couldn't be nearly as disappointing as learning that doodyheaded John, the life ruiner, was his father. OMG, that would totally freak out anyone.]

Chad and Gabi spend a romantic night together. [Believe me, this won't last. It won't be long before this immoral man-stealer is trysting and showering with some guy other than Chad. Once a tramp always a tramp.]
 
Paul ropes John into illegal activity. OMG, a new low for Salem's biggest doodyhead. Now he's not only a life-ruiner, but also a cheap crook. When is poor, deluded Mom going to wake up and dump this dishonest LOSER?

Lucas talks to Will. Poor, poor Lucas, he's been drinking so much that now he thinks that he's talking to the deceased.

Nicole love Eric. Good, grief, more rain on the bad twin's parade. Nicole's affection is a great-big sour lemon in the garden of love.

Sami returns to Salem. Woo hoo! What a red-letter day for Salem. When does the ticker-tape parade begin?
 
Hope and Rafe argue about how she's handling her job. My Rafe should be telling Granny Hope to go back to her rocking chair and leave police work to real law enforcement officers like my smart Daddy.

Sami has an intense reunion with Lucas. Of course it's intense for my Lucas. Once I've been married to a man, he never, never loses his taste for Sami luv.

Sami kisses Chad. Let's not make too much of this. It was just a peck to let him know that his sister-in-law will be there for him when that tramp Abigail inevitably ends up in the shower with some other guy. This tramp really can't help herself.

Nicole breaks Eric's heart. OMG, this is oh so predictable. Bad twin Eric has absolutely no taste at all when it comes to women. There was scheming tramp Serena and now the fickle babyswitcher. Give him time and he'll probably have an affair with that hag, Kate, or the awful Adrienne. This loser should beg Bishop Wright to let him reenter the priesthood and bury him in the diocesan archives.
 
Hope arrests Sami: :angry:OMG, I knew Granny Hope was old, but it now seems she's also losing it. If she's going to arrest anyone, it should be life-ruining John Black. Salem needs to be protected from him.

Hope enlists Lani and JJ to uncover secrets about Will: More stupidity from Granny Hope. Instead of that brat JJ and Abe's goat-phobic surprise daughter, she ought to put a real detective on the case, my Rafe.

Jennifer visits Eric: No wonder the bad twin is always so gloomy, he associates with the wrong kind of women. First he longed for the trampy babyswitcher and now he's socializing with the mother-of-a-tramp. If he wants to cheer up, he should find a woman like me. :)

Hope gets a lead about Will: Big deal. Granny Hope couldn't follow a lead to save her life. She couldn't even follow the numbers at a bingo game at the Salem Senior Center. Following leads is a job for my Rafe.
 
Adrienne recommits to Justin. Fie on fickle Adrienne for breaking my poor Lucas's heart, but he's better off without this worthless doodyhead. Salem was a better place while she was in the slammer.

Halloween night in Salem. John Black had better stay off the streets. We don't want this life-ruiner scaring the little trick-or-treaters.

Paul makes a startling discovery. Has he finally learned the sad, ugly truth about his wretched, coma-plagued father's lack of character?

Sami, John, and Marlena gets answers about Will. Don't believe a word of this. It was me who got the information. Doody-brained John Black couldn't find out today's date if his life depended on it.
 
Chloe tries to help Lucas. Trampy Chloe should leave my Lucas alone. As soon as this Will business is straightened out, I'll be back in Salem to get Lucas back in line.

Paul makes a confession: The awful John's son is probably confessing that he agrees that smarmy, twerpy Sonny was never, ever good enough for my Will.

Sami has a request for Rafe. You know that my Rafe will come through. As they say in Salem, "What Sami wants, Sami gets."

Kate has a lucrative opportunity for Gabi. Lucrative? No way. The old hag probably wants my Rafe's sister to be a brownie taster.
 
Aware that people are heartily sick of listening to screechy Sami, John Black has cleverly hijacked her thread this week.

Sonny and Sami find Will. If I hadn't soothed Susan the savage beast, Sami would never have been in shape to find anything. Who squawks at a crazy person who's pointing a shotgun at them?

Paul's deception. My poor son. Maybe the poor kid's judgment was impaired by listening to Sami's stupid nonsense. Or maybe he's been in Salem too long and is picking up bad habits.

JJ shoots Theo. Who gave this hotheaded kid a gun? He should no more be in possession of a firearm than loopy Susan. By the way, nobody should ever give Sami a gun. That's an absolute fact.

Susan tries to convince Will to go with her. This would be a uniquely bad idea, but after having had Sami as a mother, Will might just see Susan as a better alternative.

By the way, I did not ruin Sami's life. If anyone caused her to go from a standard, garden-variety nutcase to a total blithering idiot, it was that rapist and career criminal EJ DiMera. That sneaky, smarmy creep was a plague on Salem.
 
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