Salem Spectator Society Page, Part 3

LOCAL LADIES PARTY HEARTY IN AIRLESS DIMERA DUNGEON
Noted psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans and businesswomen Ms. Vivian Alamain and Ms. Kate Roberts indulged themselves with ample amounts fine champagne this week while imprisoned in a secret, underground DiMera mansion dungeon. Before a lack of oxygen put an end to the festivities, the women were also able to engage in some scintillating conversational repartee. The impromptu party was the result of them being deposited in the underground cell by slimy DiMera CEO Mr. Stefan O. DiMera and the alters of the schizophrenic former Ms. Perfect, Abigail Deveraux DiMera. The party-goers were rescued at the last moment by the intrepid Mr. John Black, former ace pitcher Mr. Paul Narita, and Police Commissioner Hope "Annie Oakley" Brady Hernandez. Theoretically, Mr. DiMera could face criminal charges for his part in arranging the champagne fest, but this being Salem, the odds are strongly against it.
 
NOTED SALEMITES RETURN
Just as the swallows always return to Capistrano, former Salemites just can't resist the pull of our fair city. This was amply illustrated by the returns in the past year of resurrected amnesiac Mr. Will Horton, unscrupulous Ms. Anjelica Deveraux, and mad DiMera scientist Dr. Wilhelm Rolf. This esteemed group has now been joined by Mr. Xander Cook, the muscular ex-convict and Kiriakis family enforcer. Since arriving, Mr. Cook has been basking in the glow of his rescue of Ms. Jeannie Theresa Donovan from the ruthless, homicidal drug kingpin known as the Noodle; zinging rude Salemites with one-liners worthy of Mr. Victor Kiriakis himself; and thrilling Salem's bored housewives by jogging shirtless in the Town Square area. Another returnee is the infamous necktie stranger Mr. Ben Weston who has been declared cured of all his mental infirmities. Sadly, Mr. Weston's return has drawn negative comments, most notably from Salem's ex-convict police commissioner and amateur psychiatrist Hope Brady. Another Salemite who holds Mr. Weston in low regard, Mr. Chadsworth DiMera, has reportedly offered him ample cash to leave town. However, informed sources believe that the irresistible allure of Salem will keep the unfortunate Mr. Weston right here in our fine community.
 
BLACK-EVANS BACHELOR-BACHELORETTE PARTIES BRIGHTEN THE SUMMER SOCIAL SCENE

Festive bachelor and bachelorette parties were held yesterday for the star principals of Salem's wedding of the year, that of the adventurous Mr. John Black, Salem's coma king, and the brilliant Dr. Marlena Evans, who is currently the leading spokesperson for former serial killer Mr. Ben Weston. Mr. Black's rollicking party was held at the famous Brady Pub. Its notable events included Eric Brady and Brady Black playing darts without throwing them at each other, and Mr. Black being hit between the eyes by a fastball thrown by his surprise son and ex-baseball star, Mr. Paul Narita. Dr. Evan's gala event took place at the latest incarnation of Doug's Place. A fine time was had by all, despite the gratuitous nastiness directed by Ms. Eve Donovan at newspaper publisher Ms. Jennifer Deveraux. Fortunately, this unpleasantness was overshadowed by a surprise appearance by Ms. Susan Banks, the eccentric mother of Salem's late career criminal mayor, Mr. Elvis "EJ" DiMera. Ms. Banks enlivened the event with her authentic Marlena Evans Barbie wedding doll and her mysterious tarot card readings. These two wonderful parties clearly suggest that the upcoming Black-Evans Town Square nuptials will be the most successful, romantic event to take place in our city in many years.
 
BLACK-EVANS NUPTIALS END ON AN UNPLEASANT NOTE

The latest wedding of Salem's own secret agent/coma king Mr. John Black and distinguished psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans seemed destined to be Salem's event of the year. With a star-studded guest list and Mayor Abraham Carver presiding, all was proceeding smoothly when predictably disaster struck. With the bride about to say, "I do," the infamous Salem screecher, Ms. Sami Brady appeared and begged her mother not to wed Mr. Black. The already aghast guests were then further stunned when the allegedly dead Ms. Kristen DiMera materialized, armed with a large pistol. As the guests typically stood by ineffectually, Ms. DiMera tossed the pistol to Ms. Brady, informing her that if she shot Mr. Black, she would learn the whereabouts of her allegedly deceased husband, career criminal and former mayor, Mr. Elvis DiMera. As the dazed and confused Ms. Brady held the pistol, her brother, bartender and infamous sex-tape priest Mr. Eric Brady, attempted to seize the weapon, causing it to discharge, which made Dr. Evans the latest Salemite to be shot on his/her wedding day. In the ensuing chaos, Ms. DiMera regained possession of the pistol and naturally easily escaped. Dr. Evans was then taken to the hospital as her daughter, third-rate lawyer Ms. Belle Black, added the circus-like scene, unkindly squawking at Ms. Brady, blaming her for the shooting. Hopefully, this wedding-day disaster will have a happy ending: Dr. Evans will be restored to health by the inept University Hospital staff, allowing her and Mr. Black yet another chance to attempt holy matrimony.
 
ENGAGEMENT FIZZLES IN A VERY PUBLIC WAY
The engagement of one-time Gemini Twin Dr. Rex Brady of Chicago and Dr. Sarah Horton of Nashville abruptly ended last evening at their festive celebratory party at Doug's Place. The cause was the dramatic announcement by Doug's Place co-owner, diva Ms. Chloe Lane Black, that jailbird Ms. Bonnie Lockhart and the unemployed, long-suffering, unlucky-in-love Mr. Lucas Horton were not really the parents of Salem's most famous infant, Baby Bonnie, and that her true parents were Mr. Brady and his old flame, Ms. Mimi Lockhart. The shocked guests included Mr. Brady's parents, former police commissioner and full-time barkeep Mr. Roman Brady, and professional schemer and backstabber Ms. Kate Roberts, and Ms. Horton's loving mother and famous cookie-baker Ms. Maggie Horton. The future plans of the former couple are unknown, but it is presumed that Dr. Horton will return to Nashville and Dr. Brady will go back to Chicago to earn enough money to pay child support and to frequent the Windy City's many fine bars and clubs seeking new young women with whom he can satisfy his apparently insatiable lust.
 
JOHN BLACK WEDS DR. MARLENA EVANS IN GUNSHOT-FREE CEREMONY
Salem's historic Town Square was the scene today for the impromptu wedding of sometime secret agent, businessman, and private detective Mr. John Black and distinguished University Hospital psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans. The happy couple was wed at an event that was remarkably free of gunshots, unpleasant outbursts by unwanted guests, or the showing of sordid sex tapes starring Ms. Kristen DiMera. Joining the happy couple were Mr. Black's surprise son, former baseball star Mr. Paul Narita, Dr. Evan's recovered amnesiac grandson Mr. Will Horton, and Dr. Evans's battling daughters, inept attorney Ms. Belle Black and blonde screecher Ms. Samantha Brady. Also on hand was the bizarrely-attired mother-in-law of Ms. Sami Brady, the certifiable Ms. Susan Banks and her talking Marlena doll. Having survived their wedding, the newlyweds reportedly have no plans other than to enjoy many festive anniversary celebrations in the years to come.
 
DrBakerFan said:
Ms. Maggie Horton
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CORRECTION.
We apologize - under absolutely no duress - for incorrectly listing the mother of the ill-fated bride-to-be, Ms Sarah Horton, as Ms Maggie Horton. After several friendly calls from associates of her current husband, we are happy to correct the error. The mother of the almost-bride is Ms Maggie Kiriakis.
 
NO ONE SHOT AT KIRIAKIS-STARK BLACKMAIL NUPTIALS
The surprise wedding of Mr. Jackson "Sonny" Kiriakis and Mr. Leo Stark aka Mr. Matthew Cooper took place yesterday at the posh Kiriakis mansion. It had been expected that Mr. Kiriakis would wed his former husband, amnesiac writer Mr. William "Will" Horton, but in a surprise move that many suspect involved blackmail he instead opted for wedded "bliss" with Mr. Stark. Mr. Kiriakis is the unemployed former CEO of Titan Industries and Mr. Stark is alleged to be a veteran grifter and con artist. Reluctant guests included Mr. Kiriakis's anguished parents, hack attorney Mr. Justin Kiriakis and sometime newspaper publisher and Bonnie Lockhart look-alike, Ms. Adrienne Kiriakis. Also attending were Titan mogul and professional grouch, Mr. Victor Kiriakis, and his wife, leading Salem busybody and noted Dr. Daniel Jonas egg-mommy, Ms. Maggie Horton Kiriakis. Presiding at the wedding was Ms. Sheila Watkins, an ex-convict who is inexplicably now Mayor Abraham Carver's executive assistant. The couple currently have no honeymoon plans and will reportedly reside at the Kiriakis mansion until a way is found to eliminate Mr. Stark.
 
MIXED REVIEWS FOR THE ANNUAL HORTON ORNAMENT FESTIVITIES
The living room of the historic residence of the late, beloved Dr. Tom Horton and his donut-baking wife, Alice, was again the setting for the traditional Horton family Christmas-tree ornament ceremony. In attendance were such police notables as bumbling Commissioner Hope Brady, her obedient husband Rafael Hernandez, surprise-Mayor-Carver-daughter Lani Price, and garbage-can nachos artiste Eli Grant. Also there were noted motorcyclist Ms. Ciara Brady, waitress and YouTube flop Ms. Claire Black, grifter-turned-charmer Mr. Doug Williams, noted busybody Ms. Julie Williams, alleged newspaper woman Ms. Jennifer Deveraux, and Ms. Abigail Deveraux DiMera who remarkably is both the former Ms. Chad DiMera and Ms. Stefan O. DiMera. Apart from the heart-warming ornament hanging, high points included the surprise appearance of Ms. Williams who had been unconscious after allegedly being pushed down a flight of stairs by former GabiChic fashionista Ms. Gabi Hernandez, and the reconciliation of Ms. Brady and Ms. Brady who had warred over the affections of Town Square waiter Mr. Tripp "Little Trippy" Dalton. The event downer occurred when Ms. Deveraux marched in, upbraided her mother over having her sent to Bayview, and then stomped up the stairs to either her old bedroom or the attic where she hid from the world after escaping from Shady Hills Mental Hospital. After this unseemly display, the event continued in its usual festive way in part because, contrary, to rumor, no attempt was made to hang ornaments for potential honorary Hortons, blackmailer Mr. Leo Stark and one-time necktie strangler Mr. Ben Weston.
 
HORTON CENTER BENEFIT GALA A TOTAL FLOP
The Horton Center charity gala held at Doug's Place and hosted by owner-diva Ms. Chloe Lane Black, predictably dissolved into angry recriminations because of the unscheduled appearance of two former Salemites, Ms. Eve Donovan who seemed to have borrowed Dracula's cape for the event, and amnesiac Mr. Jack Deveraux who was supposedly killed by a plunge down an elevator shaft during the Great Salem Tunnels Explosion. The event, already endangered by the presence of professional grouch, Mr. Eric Brady, and the infamously unrestrained angry loudmouth, Dr. Sarah Horton, collapsed into chaos as Ms. Donovan and the sometime newspaper publisher and sleeveless dresses fan, Ms. Jennifer Deveraux, traded loud, vicious accusations, and the baffled Mr. Deveraux insisted that he knew none of the invited guests. Some guests stayed for the bizarre "show," while others, such as Detectives Eli Grant and Lani Price fled into the night. Inquiries to the Center about whether the event will be rescheduled or if guests will be refunded the price of their tickets have gone unanswered. In the opinion of this reporter, persons staging events in Salem should henceforth hire a qualified bouncer to prevent the unseemly spectacles like the one that ruined the Horton Center event.
 
DULL COUPLE REUNITE

Dr. Sarah Horton, the tedious, self-righteous, high-volume University Hospital physician and the uninspiring philanderer and Chicago resident, Mr. Rex Brady, have unexpectedly reunited. The formerly-engaged couple reconciled after Dr. Horton's quick fling with the Kiriakis family black sheep, career criminal, and total hunk, Mr. Xander Cook, deprived her of her sense of moral superiority. She had previously indigently broken her engagement to Mr. Brady after it was revealed that he had fathered a child with former paramour Ms. Mimi Lockhart, and enjoyed a cheap one-night stand with Ms. Horton's sister, Ms. Noel Curtis. Dr. Horton is the daughter of former Salem physician and compulsive gambler Dr. Neil Curtis and well-known Salem busybody Ms. Maggie Horton Kiriakis, the owner of Chez Rouge. Mr. Brady, the one-time genius Gemini Twin, is the son of former police commissioner and clam chowder expert Mr. Roman Brady and the infamous scheming backstabber Ms. Kate Roberts Brady. No wedding date has been set, but informed sources report that there will be no ceremony until the former priest and infamous Salem scowler, Mr. Eric Brady, who had a brief romantic interest in Dr. Horton, starts showing the hint of a smile.
 
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ABIGAIL AND CHAD DIMERA REWED: NOBODY SHOT
The historic Horton home was the scene today of the hurry-up remarriage of businessman Chad DiMera and his former wife and sometime mental patient, Ms. Abigail Deveraux DiMera. Mr. DiMera is the son of the late judge and rumored hooker, Ms. Madeline Peterson-Woods and former step-son of the one-time Salem district attorney, the incompetent Mr. Charles Woods. Ms. DiMera is the daughter of amnesiac journalist Mr. Jack Deveraux and sometime newspaper woman and accomplished ranter Ms. Jennifer Deveraux. Presiding the the wedding was Ms. Julie Williams who was ordained for the purpose by an Internet church. Guests included the bride's parents, Ms. Kate Roberts Brady (forgiven for her sins yet again), former grifter Mr. Douglas Williams, the bride's brother EMT Mr. JJ Deveraux, and the happy couple's son, Thomas, who has only been kidnapped once. After getting through their wedding without having to dodge bullets or endure angry outbursts from uninvited guests, Mr. and Mrs. DiMera will move to a fashionable district in Paris where Mr. DiMera will direct the hopefully legal business affairs of his family's company, DiMera Enterprises.
 
IMPROBABLE WEDDINGS ACTUALLY REACH SUCCESSFUL CONCLUSIONS
The circus-like Town Square wedding of amnesiac mayoral candidate Mr. Jack Deveraux and veteran schemer Ms. Eve Donovan came to a sort-of successful ending when Pastor Brown of the Second Street Church took over the role of officiant from Mr. Deveraux's sister, newspaperwoman Ms. Adrienne Kiriakis. Chaos had ensued when Ms. Kiriakis suddenly stopped the ceremony to loudly denounce the bride and attempt to convince the groom to cancel the wedding. Ms. Donovan reacted with her usual high-volume blather and Mr. Deveraux responded with his trite campaign slogans, all while the meager crowd chanted inane pro-Jack slogans. The allegedly happy couple plan to continue to live in Salem, while Mr. Deveaux continues his poorly-conceived effort to unseat popular Mayor Abraham Carver.

Meanwhile, across town, the green-card wedding of Mr. Tripp Dalton and Ms. Haley Chen successfully ended with "I do's" despite the suspicions of skeptical, improbable wedding guest Agent Smith of ICE. Attorney Justin Kiriakis officiated as the guests looked on, silently fearing that Mr. Dalton's unhappy former girlfriend, YouTube failure and Town Square waitress Ms. Claire Brady would attempt to disrupt the ceremony. Mr. Dalton is the surprise son of Salem adventurer Mr. Steve Johnson and the late, infamous Ms. Ava Vitali, who once caused the crash of the Black Jet. Ms. Chen is the sister of the well-known former Salem D.A., the ice-cold, hard-as-nails Ms. Melinda Trask. The couple plan to live and work in Salem as long as they can keep ICE and Ms. Brady from ruining their domestic tranquility.
 
ANOTHER GUNSHOT-FREE WEDDING

Dr. Rex Brady and Dr. Sarah Horton were joined in holy matrimony at the Salem University Hospital chapel today in a brief ceremony that was remarkably free of gunplay, disruptive intruders, and sex tapes. Presiding at the ceremony was Mr. Eric Brady (aka the Fallen Father Eric), Dr. Horton's not-so-secret admirer who promptly went into a funk after the ceremony. The sole guest was Dr. Kayla Johnson, the long-suffering wife of the swashbuckling adventurer, Mr. Steve "Patch" Johnson. Dr. Brady is the son of former police commissioner Mr. Roman "What da hell?" Brady. Dr. Horton is the loud-mouthed daughter of noted Salem busybody Ms. Maggie Horton Kiriakis, who is best known for her one-night stand with Kiriakis family black sheep Mr. Alexandros "Xander" Cook. The happy physician couple, like most Kiriakis in-laws, will reside rent-free at the Kiriakis mansion where they can enjoy Ms. Kiriakis's home-baked cookies, and Mr. Victor Kiriakis's stinging one-liners, which are often directed at those whom he holds in low regard.
 
BRADY-HORTON HOLIDAY PICNIC REVIVAL BRIGHTENS 4TH (SORT OF)
The Brady-Horton traditional Fourth of July Picnic was revived yesterday at the Pub to mixed reviews. The event drew most of the family notables, but was marred by the recent news that YouTube wannabe Ms. Claire Brady has gone bonkers and Detective Rafael Hernandez's had just had a cheap one-nighter with the newly-free Ms. Carrie Reed who has finally dumped her terminally-dull husband, Austin. Grifter-turned-solid-citizen Mr. Doug Williams made an appearance sans his famous Uncle Sam suit along with his busybody spouse, Julie, who kindly refrained from her usual trashing of the absent Ms. Gabriella Hernandez of GabiChic fame. A surprise guest was Ms. Haley Chen, the one-time punching bag of the Jack Deveraux mayoral campaign whose immigration status has reportedly been regularized due to the political influence of her newly-revealed mother, Ms. Melinda Trask, the former barracuda district attorney. Also present were newlyweds Dr. and Ms. Rex Brady, the couple voted most likely to divorce within the year by the Salem Intruder. Dr. Brady's contribution to the event were burgers that were a pale imitation of the classic Brady Burger formerly prepared by the late Detective Bo Brady. Sharing burger duties was Salem's official sourpuss, Mr. Eric Brady, whose charcoal-grill smoke seriously threatened Salem's air quality and whose burgers were generally regarded as tasting more like charcoal than the real thing. Overall, the event was regarded as a success if only because it was not invaded by the spaced-out Mayor Jack Deveraux and his wife, Police Commissioner Eve Deveraux, who has become the laughing-stock of the law enforcement community.
 
Reply from Sami Brady DiMera: WHAT??? My stoopid sister Carrie seduced MY Rafe?? She must have drugged him or something because there's no way MY Rafe would ever look at that stoopid hag again, especially not after having my hot lovin'. Carrie needs to learn that Rafe and Lucas are still mine, even though I'm with my handsome (I think he's still handsome, hard to say under all those bandages) smoochy-moochy. Talk about a loser when even her brain-dead husband doesn't want her anymore. I HATE HER!

Reply from the editors: Thank you, Ms. DiMera. In a world that's always changing, it's comforting to know we can count on you to be a "familiar presence" in Salem, even when you're not here. Cheers!
 
TWIN WEDDINGS UNDERWHELM SALEM SOCIETY
Two impromptu weddings have left Salem society yawning and saying, "whatever." At the DiMera Mansion, Mr. Stefan O. DiMera the just-fired CEO of the family company and suspected double kidnapper, entered into holy matrimony with Ms. Gabriella Hernandez, the founder of the third-rate fashion company, GabiChic and the convicted killer of alleged science genius Mr. Nicholas Fallon. Presiding was former Mayor Abraham Carver who was probably wishing that he was back in City Hall. Serving as witnesses were Mr. Benjamin Weston, the former serial killer turned heroic lifesaver, and his companion, the oft-kidnapped beauty Ms. Ciara Brady. Neither the unemployed Mr. DiMera nor his new bride had any comment on their future plans.

The other surprise ceremony joined the resurrected Mr. Antony DiMera and former kidnapper-babyswitcher Ms. Nicole Walker in marriage. They were wed by an unfortunate justice of the peace, while the sole witness, Titan CEO Mr. Brady Black, looked on with bemusement. Before his temporary death, Mr. DiMera was wed to Ms. Anna Fredericks. The oft-married Ms. Walker has had numerous husbands, including the late Dr. Trent Robbins, Mr. Lucas Horton, Mr. Victor Kiriakis, and the currently mummy-like Mr. EJ DiMera, Salem's disgraced ex-mayor. Only Ms. Walker publicly commented on the wedding, saying merelyy that the improbable couple had "big plans" for the future.

Other than with the Las Vegas oddsmakers, the weddings stirred little interest. The Stefan-Gabriella union is now listed as the third most likely Salem marriage to end in divorce by Thanksgiving, while Tony-Nicole is ranked second. As many are aware, the most likely marriage to land on the rocks before Turkey Day is that between cheating Dr. Rex Brady and his wife with a wandering eye, Dr. Sarah Horton.
 
OLD FLAME TORPEDOS TRUE LOVE

The surprise return of the supposedly deceased Ms. Nicole Walker has abruptly ended the fairy-tale love story of semi-employed ex-priest Mr. Eric Brady and Dr. Sarah Horton of University Hospital. Mr. Brady, who is best know for being an unwilling participant in a sex-tape made by the infamous Ms. Kristen DiMera, had turned to Dr. Horton after the reported death of Ms. Walker in an explosion and fire that demolished Ms. DiMera's mysterious Nashville resurrection factory. Dr. Horton, who is apparently still married to Dr. Rex Brady of Chicago, terminated her relationship with her allegedly dull, cheating husband to be with the supposedly irresistible Mr. Brady. Complicating matters is the strong rumor that Dr. Horton is pregnant with Mr. Brady's child. Regardless of Dr. Horton's reported surprise pregnancy, Ms. Walker and Mr. Brady are determined to stay together and live happily ever after, although experienced Salem cynics predict that their relationship will inevitably come to an unpleasant end. As for Dr. Horton, she is reportedly seeking comfort from her mother, well-known busybody Ms. Maggie Horton, and the Kiriakis family bad boy and Titan executive, Mr. Xander Cook.
 
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