"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column #3

Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm totally beside myself. My true love was just arrested and is scheduled to be executed for a crime that he most definitely did not commit. All his lawyers have been totally useless and I don't know what to do next. Please help. You're my only hope.

Biker Girl

Dear Biker,

You've come to the right place. Send me a personal message with all the details and Salem's premier fixer, my cuddly Victor, will save the day. Regardless of whether a person is guilty, innocent, or in-between, he has all the contacts, can pull any string, and can make literally any criminal charge go away just like that. (For example, just ask Chelsea Brady and our beloved Xander.) I'm sure that if by some mischance, I faced criminal charges, Victor would save me from Salem's awful justice system.

Best wishes,
Ruffles McRed
 
Reply from Sami Brady DiMera:

Hey, Ruffles McDoody-head, where was that offer when I was in jail for killing the cop who was going to mutilate MY Rafe??? No, I had to go on trial and came close to getting a prison sentence. You and your stoopid lemon bars can go pound salt.

Reply from Ruffles McRed:

Samantha, as always, such a "pleasure" when you chime in with your intelligent and well-written replies. Hard to believe you are the child of our dear Roman and Marlena. But, since you are aunt to my beautiful Mickey, I'll cut you some slack and just say how glad I am you and EJ are together again, and our sweet Lucas is no longer encumbered with the likes of you.

Please stay in Italy, forever,

Ruffles
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

Sorry to hear that you're headed for the slammer, but hope that you have time to answer me before you head off for the Big House. I've been hearing ugly rumors that my changed true love (she is really changed, not like that awful EJ) is really over twenty years older than I am. (She doesn't look it.) Is this relationship appropriate and should I let the age difference bother me? Please help.

Lover Boy B.

Dear Lover,

Right off, I'd be dubious that your true love has really changed. We all thought that my cuddle-bear Victor had changed but we now know for certain that he covered up my role in Adrienne Kiriakis's fatal road accident and ugly rumors are currently swirling that he's been involved in a baby switching. As for the age difference in your relationship, I'm not really qualified to answer that question. I'm going to forward your message to Kate Roberts who has plenty of experience inn the cougar department in particular and inappropriate relationships in general.

Wisely,
Ruffles McRed
 
With Maggie getting ready for life the slammer, Hattie has agreed to temporarily take over her column under the title "Hattie's Hints."

My Dear Ms. Adams,

At long last, I was just able to marry my long-time beloved in a ceremony at my new mansion, which was followed by a sort-of reception which offered no food and only cheap champagne. In the interest of full disclosure, this magic, romantic, historic ceremony was possible because my new bride recently underwent a "treatment" to make her receptive to my proposal. Sadly, my children seemed decidedly unenthusiastic about the whole affair. What is wrong with them?

S.

Dear S.

If you can't figure out the reason for your children's negative attitude, you're even more clueless about the true nature of love and romance than Roman Brady.

Disgustedly,
Hattie
 
With Maggie moaning in her cell over the news that she caused the death of Baby Mickey, Hattie again steps in to provide valuable advice for troubled Salemites.

Dear Hattie,

Over the years, my true love committed one awful crime after another. Recently while enraged, she caused a young woman's death by shoving her down the stairs, and then stuck a knife in my elderly grandpa's heart. (It was only a little knife, not one of those big carving knives that you see in the movie murder scenes.) Remarkably, nobody among my friends and family will now accept the fact that she's truly changed and is ready to be a loving mother. How can I get these clueless people to see the truth.

BB

Dear foolish BB,

Talk about being oblivious to the obvious. It's not your friends who can't see the truth, it's you. Foolish Sami Brady was always prattling on about how the infamous EJ DiMera had changed, but of course he hadn't. Then, thanks to his criminal activity, he was shot and ended up as a Charmin-wrapped mummy whom she has to care for 24/7. You'd better wake up, buster, and accept reality before you share the screecher's fate.

Disgustedly,

Hattie
 
With Maggie still recovering from her time in prison and the emotional upset of the Adrienne-Baby Mickey affair, Xander has kindly agreed to take over her column.

Dear Xander,

I'm an honest businessman who's trying to earn a living, but crazy Salemites keep invading my place of business with wild accusations and obnoxious remarks. First some deranged, loudmouthed woman (dressed like a hooker) repeatedly came by to claim that I was her thoroughly dead husband (can you believe it?) and then some twerp showed up and called me a liar to my face (what nerve). How should I handle this kind of stuff.

J.

Dear J.,

A year ago, I'd have suggested that you stuff them in an overheated crawl space, put them in a cage, or take a shot at them. However, since then, I've wised up to life in this town. The rough stuff will get you no where and there are too many nut cases here to safely terminate them with extreme prejudice. My advice is to just let the nonsense slide off your back. It's what I do when unkind people bring up my irregular past or self-righteously blame me for Uncle Victor's failed plots.

Hope this helps,
Xander
 
The always-helpful Xander continues to impress Sarah by assisting with her ailing mother's advice column.

Dear Xander,

I recently allowed a certain former priest and his fiancee to have a civil marriage ceremony in my church despite the fact that it was against Catholic doctrine, only to have a bomb wreck the premises. Was this the wrath of God for breaking Church law or another product of Salem societal dysfunction? You seem to know a lot about the seedier side of local life, so I thought I'd ask.

Father L.

Dear Padre,

I think you can rule out God's anger. If He felt that strongly about the serious sins of Salemites, there'd have been numerous people struck by lightning by now. Your problem is with whom you let use your church. The next time you're tempted to let certain in-crowd Salemites (whom I know all too well) be married there, I'd do a thorough investigation into their current affairs. In this town, you can't be too careful.

Hope this helps,
Xander
 
With Maggie back on the job, Xander decides to ask his own question.

Dear Ruffles McRed,

My foolish grandfather has asked me to share leadership of the family company with his wastrel son who just blew back into town after years of being away. How can I deal with this ingratitude and lack of business sense?

X-Man

Dear X,

Ordinarily, I'd suggest that you consult with my cuddly husband, Victor, but he's too busy dealing with the sudden return of his obnoxious, demanding son. Instead, I think that you should have a talk with that nice Lucas Horton. He's the son of scheming, double-dealing Kate Roberts and the ex-husband of the treacherous, high-volume, erratic harridan, Sami Brady, so he's an expert on being betrayed and dealing with stupid decision-making.

Good luck,
Ruffles McRed
 
A confused Baby Henry Lucas Horton seeks some wisdom from Ruffles.

Dear Ruffles McRed,

I was born this year and I'm already confused about the world that I've come into. My feckless mother didn't want me so she tried to ship me to an unmarried police detective. When he passed, she wanted me to go to a former babyswitcher and her gloomy husband. Then, my loud, combative Granny appeared, got hold of me and wouldn't let go until my mother returned and it was agreed that I would live with her at the babyswitcher's place. Is this what life is supposed to be like. Please say no.

HLH

P.S., I had help writing this.

Dear HLH,

You've had a tough start in life, that's for sure. Unfortunately children in Salem are often in for a hard time. One Salem mother constantly meddles in her son's life and once tried to ruin his wedding. Another child was actually kidnapped before he was born. A third child has probably set a local record for being kidnapped even though her mother worked for the police. Hopefully, things will now settle down for you as your mother gets some sense. As for being with a babyswitcher, don't worry. It's a popular indoor and outdoor sport in Salem and participating in it actually tells you very little about a person's character. Even my cuddly, grouchy, lemon-bar-loving Victor had a go at it during the past year.

Best of luck,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I have been unfairly accused of a terrible crime despite the fact that I am totally innocent. Everyone is against me except my Dad, and I'm not quite sure about him. Is there anything that I can do to clear my name and get all these angry people off my back?

Please help,
T.D,

Dear Poor T.D.,

You're learning a hard truth about life in Salem -- there's always somebody who's the town pariah. Unfortunately, it's your turn in the barrel. Fortunately, this situation rarely lasts. There are so many schemers, backstabbers, bumblers, criminals, and liars in Salem that somebody else will surely come along and take your place as the person everyone loves to hate. Take my cuddly Victor for example. He alternates between being regarded as lovable curmudgeon and a hateful schemer.

Wisely,
Ruffles McRed

P.S., If Sami Brady comes back to town, your prayers will be answered. This screechy drama queen will raise such a fuss that everyone will forget all about you because they'll be totally obsessed with the latest nonsense from Hurricane Sami.
 
With Maggie busy preparing her Thanksgiving cookies and lemon bars, Xander has kindly agreed to take over her column.

Dear Xander:

I'm so angry with my detective husband that I'm ready to leave him. He cruelly helped send my best friend Kristen DiMera to prison. Yes, she's done some sort-of bad things in the past, but she's changed and is my bestest friend. Don't you think I should give my faithless spouse his walking papers.

LP

Dear LP,

You left your cop husband because he put a career criminal like creepy Kristen DiMera in prison? Are you daft? Rush back to your man and beg his forgiveness and pray that he's in a forgiving mood. Then call Dr. Marlena Evans. From the sound of things you seriously need psychiatric help.

Firmly,
Xander
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

What do you when your mother favors your sibling and won't help cover up your crimes? It's always sibling this, sibling that. My sibling is the golden child and I'm sick of it.

"Charles"


Dear "Charles",

Is this really you, Sami Brady? If so, I'm a busy woman and don't have time for your foolishness. I have dozens of tasty lemon bars to bake for Christmas. If you need something to keep you busy, how about working with your daughter to figure out who her vile rapist really is, because it can't possibly be Steve Johnson's nice son, Tripp. He's a dear young man, so like his father.

Good day, Red
 
Hey Ruffles,

OMG, did you ever get my situation wrong. FYI, I'm definitely not that unbalanced screecher, Sami Brady. I'm the poor, unappreciated, neglected son of a cruel woman who thinks that her other boy is Mr. Wonderful. And what makes you think that Trippy is so great?? I've heard that he tried to frame that poor Ben Weston and once attempted to ruin the medical career of that self-righteous Dr. Kayla. As for Steve, why does everyone think he's such a good guy?? Wasn't he once a brainwashed DiMera tool, spent time in some lunatic asylum, was the host to the weird Stevano hybrid, ignores laws whenever he wants to, and is always running around on some strange "mission" that his wife knows nothing about. Frankly, you are a such a poor judge of character that you should quit playing Dear Abby and stick to baking lemon bars for your grouchy husband.

Disgustedly,
Angry Charlie
 
Dear Ruffles,

I've been loudly accusing this guy of committing a really serious crime. Everyone believed me so the whole town soon started treating him like dirt. Now, it seems that his nasty little brother was the real culprit. Should I apologize to the guy I accused?

AH

Dear A,

Anywhere else, I'd say that you owe this poor fellow a heartfelt apology, but this is Salem where people often have short memories and ordinary social norms don't apply. For example, Xander Kiriakis once shot Dr. Marlena Evans at her wedding and to my knowledge he has never apologized. Despite this, my cuddly Victor has made him co-CEO of the family company and he is widely accepted in polite society. In short, living in Salem usually means never having to say your sorry.

Hope this helps,
Ruffles McRed
 
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With Maggie away tending to Summer the psycho mermaid, Victor has agreed to fill up some of his empty hours by taking over her advice column.

Dear Victor,

My father's family simply won't accept me or forgive my past mistakes. All I get is snarky remarks and the cold shoulder. I was even briefly locked in a wine cellar. How can I cope?

GR

Dear GR,

Quit your whining and toughen up. You sound like some of the people in my foolish family. People have called me a heartless old grouch for years and I couldn't care less. Instead, I entertain myself by making up clever one-liners about the worst of them. Try it. It's a good way to keep your mind active and to stay creative.

Victor
 
Dear Victor,

My former lover just stabbed me in the back professionally just because I dumped her for another, younger, hotter woman. How could she have done this? Isn't it a rule that you don't mix business with pleasure?

Jobless J.

Dear Jobless,

You really need to up your skills if you want to play the Salem business/love game. To say that it's cutthroat is a massive understatement. You also need to remember that the old saying that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned goes double in Salem. You cross these people at your peril.

Victor

P.S., If your former lover is whom I think she is, you're lucky you weren't handed a plate of poisoned brownies.
 
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