"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column #3

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Great news, readers. With almost everything in Ruffles McRed's life now coming up roses, she's back on the job and ready to pass along her wise advice.

Dear Ruffles McRed,
Don't you hate smug people? I certainly do. I'm still seething over my treatment at the hands of the super-smug years ago. I'd love to see these people get what they deserve. Am I right to feel this way?

The Big O

Dear Big,
My, my you do seem in a bad way with resentments simmering all these years. I'd suggest you see that nice psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans. She's highly professional and doesn't have a smug bone in her body. You might also want to talk with my cuddly, totally-changed husband Victor. He used to hate all sorts of people and did things I don't care to know about, but now he's a regular Santa Claus.

Wisely,
Ruffles McRed
 
Salemites, good news. With Ruffles McRed hidden away at the Kiriakis mansion because of the reign of terror caused by the ruthless Orpheus Gang, Salem's favorite expert in child care, the fearless Nanny Megan, will be answering your questions about life and love today.

Dear Nanny Megan,

Woe is me. Today my former fiancee said that she'd rather go to prison than give our love another chance. Is there still a chance for us? Please say yes.

Mr. AJ

Dear AJ,

Not a chance. By the way, you must be a real loser and/or the biggest fool in Salem.

Bluntly,
Nanny Megan
 
Great news, Salem, with Ruffles McRed busy refereeing the latest hair-pull involving the Kiriakis family men, Salem's newest hero, Andre DiMera, the man who bested would-be baby-snatcher Clyde Weston, is here to solve your problems.

Dear Andre,
I HATE my hag sister. She's always buttering up my mother -- sending her smarmy letters from Switzerland filled with love, kisses, best wishes, and other stoopid sentiments. I think she's trying to get Mom's will changed so that she'll inherit everything and cheat ME out of what I deserve. What can I do to foil her plans?

Please help,
Worried

Dear Worried,
Oh, my, you do have a problem. I'd be peeved too if somebody wanted to deprive me of my rightful share of Father's estate. But don't despair, send me a PM and I can put you in touch with highly-professional hired killers like my friends, Sergio and Ricardo. If you can't afford their services, you might try holding your sister in one of Salem's many tunnels -- the ones that Mayor Abe never does anything about -- until she gets a fatal disease from the toxic gases. Other quicker options would be a Nick-Fallon-style winter dip in the icy Salem River or a little tap from a speeding car. (That clever trick almost once rid Salem of that noxious pest, John Black.)

Heroically yours,
Andre

P.S., are you by any chance Sami Brady?
 
DrBakerFan said:
that noxious pest, John Black.
Click to expand...
Reply from "Worried": You called John Black a noxious pest? I don't even know what noxious means, but I like it! So I like you! You are my new best friend. I'm going to send you a gift bag of Truly Radiant products. Besties forever, Salem's Good Twin

PS: John Black is a doodyhead and a stoopid life-ruiner!


Reply from Marlena Evans: Sami, dear, you really don't try very hard to conceal your identity, do you?
 
Reply from Andre to "Worried": Thank you for your gift of Truly Radiant products. Now, my fresh breath and pearly whites will make up for my smarmy, oily, insincere manner. And yes, John Black is vile weed and a blight on Salem society. It's my fond hope that Orpheus will emulate Father and rise from the dead to provide the awful Mr. Black with some Halloween "tricks."
 
Filling in for Ruffles McRed today is her loving husband, Victor, who's ready to answer all your questions about money matters.

Dear Victor,
I'm thinking of investing in the company of a young man who's trying to turn his father's operations into a legitimate enterprise. I'm uncertain about this and suspect that my wife's interest in the young man goes beyond her desire to see that my funds are well invested. I know that you're a financial genius, so any advice you may have would be greatly appreciated.

Salem Blueblood

Dear Blueblood,
If the company in question is DiMera Enterprises, run for you life. No matter how honest and convincing Chad DiMera may seem, lurking in the background is that grinning maniac, Andre, who is so duplicitous that he makes my sneaky brother, Deimos, and useless son, Philip, look like honest men. Finally, for God's sake keep you wife under control. This city already has way too many tramps, including the likes of Chloe Lane, Nicole Walker, Eve Larson, and the awful Jeannie Theresa Donovan.

Firmly,
Victor
 
Great news, Salem. Filling in for Ruffles McRed today is a life coach and motivational speaker, Lizbeth "Lizzie" Borden, who like Stefano DiMera, Dr. Wilhelm Rolf, and Orpheus has magically returned to life.

Dear Lizzie,
I'm thoroughly fed up with my family. My son is an untrustworthy idiot, my grandson is a clueless dolt, one nephew is a hack lawyer who stupidly cheated on his wife, another nephew is a glowering psychopath who's supposed to be dead (I don't believe it), and my younger brother is a two-faced scoundrel. To make things worse most of these men have a taste for cheap trollops, especially those whom I hate. What's an old grouch to do?

Mr. K.

Dear Mr. K.,
Have you ever considered sharpening a hatchet and pruning the family tree?.

Knowingly,
LIzbeth

P.S., If you're ever in Fall River, Massachusetts, stop by for a tea at the beautiful, spacious home, which I bought with my cheapskate father's money. (My horrid step-mother never got it. Ha, ha.)
 
Dear Readers, with Ruffles McRed busy trying to cope with so many Kiriakis men under one roof, your questions about life and love will be answered today by successful businesswoman Kate Roberts Brady.

Dear Kate,
I have two problems. First my obnoxious uncle who always ruins holiday dinners has invited himself for Thanksgiving. Can you pass along your magic brownie recipe. Second, my son keeps insisting on becoming involved with awful women who make screechy Sami Brady look like Mother Theresa. How can I save him from himself?

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,
Sorry, but the brownie recipe is a trade secret. Instead, I suggest you contact professional assassin Eduardo Hernandez. I hear he offers low holiday rates. As for your son, I've wasted mountains of energy scheming to save my son, Lucas, from awful women, but to no avail. The good news is that relationships with tramps like Sami Brady soon collapse under their own weight. My advice is to sit back and wait for that delicious moment when you can tell your foolish son, "I told you so."

Wisely,
Kate

P.S., no woman on earth is worse than Sami Brady, not even that awful Adrienne Kiriakis and wretched Chloe Lane.
 
Great news, Salem. Despite the chaos and dysfunction involving the Kiriakis men, Ruffles McRed is back to answer your questions about life and love.

Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm a handsome, caring older gent who has just learned that a woman at State Prison has the hots for me. I haven't had a kiss for years, but I have a high position in law enforcement and worry that it would be inappropriate for me to begin a relationship with a prison inmate. What do you think?

Kissless in Salem

Dear Kissless,

How sad for you. I don't know what I'd do without kisses from my cuddly, grouchy Victor. As for this woman being an inmate, I wouldn't worry. I'm still respected as Salem's nicest, warmest dispenser of busybody advice despite having married a man who in his younger days was a little sketchy around the edges if you get my meaning. If you decide against love with a convict, may I suggest Giselle van Hopper. She's not bad for a snooty socialite and has a thing for older men with a badge.

Good luck,
Ruffles McRed
 
Salem, with true Christmas spirit, Ruffles McRed is here to answer your questions despite the continuing dysfunction at the K-mansion.

Dear Ruffles McRed,

Woe is me. My beloved has dumped me after she learned that I'm keeping a deep dark family secret from her. I was already on thin ice after confessing to cheating on her in Miami. Unfortunately, I simply can't reveal my secret. How can I win back my true love?

Young & Heartbroken

Dear Y & H,

You poor dear. You should have realized that unlike Las Vegas what happens in Miami doesn't stay in Miami. As for your secret, maybe you'll get off the hook when some other member of your family loudly talks about it and is overheard by the one of the small army of eavesdropping blabbermouths who lurk in the Town Square. If not, take heart. There is only a small number of younger people in Salem and eventually your true love will circle back to you. Remember how many times that screechy Sami Brady and the awful EJ DiMera were in and out of love.

Good luck,
Ruffles McRed
 
Salemites, Ruffles McRed is rarin' to go in 2017, so ask away.

Dear Ruffles McRed,

My daughter recently gave birth to a baby daughter who is biologically the child of another woman, who's very nice. Unfortunately, she is in a relationship with a real loser. Should I reveal the truth to her. Please help.

Mommy N.

Dear Mommy N.,

Oh my, your situation is so typically Salem. That said, there are several reasons to reveal the truth.
  • The baby may be cute now, but the odds are she will grow up to be a real problem just like that self-centered pest Claire Brady,
  • This is Salem and no secret stays that way forever. Thus, it's better to get things out in the open now.
  • Relationships in Salem rarely last very long (cuddly Victor and I are a rare exception), so this lady is sure to dump Mr. Wrong sooner rather than later.
  • Do you really want this nice woman to someday suddenly be looking at a thirty-something, long-lost daughter? I went through that recently, and can assure you that it was no picnic.
Hope this helps,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

My whole life has been turned upside down. Some middle-aged woman who's not playing with a full deck has appeared, claiming to be my long-lost surprise daughter -- the result of some encounter behind the barn back when Lyndon Johnson was president. I know that I smoked things behind the barn, but have no memory of this. What should I do??

Dazed, Confused, and Upset

Dear Dazed,

Just go with the flow. Accept this creature, pretend you're so glad to see her, and only discuss her with your friends -- not the children you know are yours. Sooner or later this woman will take offense at something and leave town in a huff. You and your family and friends can then act like she never existed.

Knowlingly,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I am in a real dilemma. I recently gave my heart to a man who was a little rough around the edges, but seemed on the road to real change and redemption. Now, I have heard him making threats to kill people. Should I give true love a chance or run for my life?

Torn

Dear Torn,

You are truly in a difficult situation. Has your beloved changed or not? It can be hard to tell. My cuddly Victor was also known to engage in ethically-challenged conduct before becoming housebroken. My advice is to use the foolproof warm-milk-and-home-baked cookies test. If your man likes them, he's a keeper. Otherwise, kick him to the curb. For example, it was claimed by a misguided woman that the awful EJ DiMera had changed, but he never did. The proof is that he never developed a taste for that hallmark of blessed domesticity -- warm milk and home-baked cookies.

Good luck,
Ruffles McRed

P.S. If you need some good cookie recipes, send me a PM.
 
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Dear Ruffles McRed,

I recently kidnaped two people (for a good reason) and my fiancee just lost her baby in a custody case because of my overenthusiastic efforts to help her. Now I'm being yelled, screamed, and barked at. One nasty, hysterical woman even threatened to kill me. Worst of all, my fiancee has dumped me. How can I deal with these obtuse people who insist on hurting my feelings?

Misunderstood

Dear Misunderstood,

Sorry, but these people you mentioned understand you all too well, and your fiancee was well advised to run for her life. You won't find true happiness until you give up your greedy, ruthless, power-mad life style and learn to enjoy the finer things of life, such as homebaked cookies and warm milk. My dear, sweet Victor used to be a little rough around the edges until I helped him change. He'd now be totally happy if his family weren't such a pack of idiots.

Straighten up and fly right,
Ruffles McRed
 
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Dear Red

My ex hooker friend stole my baby, should I:

A: Hire an attorney who isn't a joke like my last one and hire a good attorney to appeal my case or
B: Kidnap the baby? I've done that before.

Sad and Angry

Don't kidnap the baby, you won't get away with it! My hubby has a nephew who claims to be a lawyer but I hear he isn't a good one. So, you should try to hire someone not from Salem. You can hire Tinker Belle Brady. She just helped an unemployed singer steal a baby from her mother. (Do I know you? You situation sounds so familiar.)

Be good,
Red
 
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