"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column #4

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With Maggie finally back at the K-Mansion, Ruffles McRed can once again give Salemites the benefit of her wisdom

Dear Ruffles McRed,

After my return to Salem following a long recuperation from my "death" and resurrection, I find that I am distinctly more unpopular than I ever was before. Father did worse things than I ever did and that lummox Xander Kiriakis once shot Marlena Evans off the altar at her wedding to that dolt John Black, but they both seem to have their fans. What gives??

Elvis

Dear Elvis,

The last time around you could count on your youthful good looks and your relationship with Sami. Now, the years have taken their toll and you have kicked Samantha to the curb in the most heartless manner possible. As for your father, he did have sophistication and refinement on his side, something that you've never mastered. Finally, Xander may have his flaws, but he heroically saved my life, did a decent job as Titan CEO, and sacrificed himself for Gwen. In contrast, you are entirely self-centered. I suggest that you start your longshot improvement campaign by buying some self-help books.

Good luck,

Ruffles
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

Woe is me. My daddy has kicked me to the curb and my estranged sister and her DiMera husband have declared war on my hopes and dreams. My only friend seems to be Xander whom half the town is always insulting. Do I have a chance in Salem or should I head for the bus station.

Miss G.

Dear Miss G.

Don't give up hope and don't listen to any trash talk about Xander. As I can attest, he is literally a life-saver. With him on your side, good things can happen.

Ruffles

P.S., don't be intimidated by the DiMeras. History shows that they are a collection of inept, self-destructive fools whose plots and plans always fail in the end. You should hear what my cuddly Victor says about Stefano, EJ, and Andre.
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I recently introduced myself to a fellow Salemite only to be told that I was killed by the Salem Slasher in 1983. What gives? I know who I am, and I'm definitely not dead.

RD

Dear RD,

You may be alive, but your supposed identity could very well be deceased. Given all the impersonations and possessions in Salem some identities have been thoroughly muddled. The only way that I know that my cuddly Victor is himself is how eagerly he gobbles his lemon bars. No imposter could copy that. My advice is to consult with Dr. Marlena Evans. She knows all about possessions and identity switches. (Heck, her husband John Black wasn't always "John Black.") She'll sort things out for you. Satisfaction is guaranteed.

Ruffles
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

As you may have heard, my husband was shot and now most of my time is taken up with sitting by his bedside. This means that I'm desperate for good child care. You've been around Salem for a long time. Any suggestions.

Lani

Dear Lani,

I was so sorry to hear about your poor husband. Nobody in this town is safe from comas and/or gunshot wounds. As for child care, have you considered the following:
  • take them over to City Hall. Everyone knows that Mayor Abe doesn't do much work, so he must have time on his hands. In addition, the kids would enjoy watching him dealing with angry citizens, placating disgruntled city workers, and politely refusing bribes;
  • do what Sami Brady used to do -- leave them at the Pub. As Johnny and Allie could tell you, it's quite entertaining to watch certain Salemites argue with one another and to see Roman's inebriated bar-fly customers fall off their stools.
Hope this helps,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm a well respected Nanny in Salem who tells it like it is. Why would you suggest that children be left unattended at the Pub, where they might encounter that blue-streaked streetwalker, Kate Roberts, when they could take advantage of my services? I may be a bit rough around the edges, but I never went to bed with any of my stepsons!

Gruffly,

Nanny M.
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I was angered and disgusted today when I found my supposedly upstanding son cavorting atop the desk of the trollop CEO of the corporation, which he is supposed to oversee. I don't want him to fall into the moral cesspool that now prevails in Salem. What do you suggest?

Help,

Wei S.

Dear Wei,

To quote a line from the old song House of the Rising Sun, living in Salem has been "the ruin of many a poor boy." For example, my cuddle-bear husband Victor has suffered disappointment after disappointment as the younger men in his family have fallen victim to the poor judgment, gross immorality, vile schemes, and tainted love that prevails in our community. My advice is to get your son out of Salem immediately before it's too late. Your son may not like this, but take it from me, down the road he'll thank you.

Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I should be enjoying my cruise of a lifetime, but I've heard that a real jerk has come to town who looks just like me. Suppose people think that that skirt-chasing moron is me? After working so hard to rehabilitate my reputation, I can't stand the idea that some habitually shirtless idiot will ruin it.
What can I do?

Ben W.

Dear Ben,

Do what other Salemites do. Enjoy your time away and forget the local foolishness. Why do you think Doug and Julie are always cruising? And do you think that self-centered Sami Brady even gives Salem a thought when she's out of town? And then there's my cuddly Victor. Titan used to be his whole life, but now he thinks so little about it that he put his utterly brainless nephew, Alex, in charge. The bottom line for you regarding Salem should be "out of sight, out of mind."

Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I just can’t catch a break in the love department even though I’m a handsome, personable, and caring guy with an important job. My first wife had a thing for a smarmy, career criminal with a British accent. Now, my third wife says that she's in love with a feckless, semi-employed ex-priest. Aren‘t there any good women left? Please help.

Big R.

Dear Big,

Sometimes finding true love can take years. My cuddly Victor went through many inappropriate women before he found me. That said, I’ve seen the available women in Salem, and I strongly suggest that you look elsewhere for a loving life partner.

Wisely,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I've long since moved on from my most recent marriage and am currently trotting the globe in search of fulfillment. But I recently read an advice column in which my ex-husband failed to acknowledge our important and notable love affair and marriage.

I don't have the best history dealing with breakups. Should I try to burn him alive, or become an art thief in Europe? Or is there a third option I'm overlooking?

Princess H.
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I’m a reformed bad boy who recently did some major backsliding by committing a serious crime, hoping that the big payoff would end my cash flow problems. Now I’m worried that if my wife finds out it will be the end of our storybook marriage. What do you think?

Handsome Hunk

Dear Hunk,

Perhaps, things will turn out better than you think. My bad boy Victor has reverted to his old ways a few times, but I’ve always forgiven him. If your wife is a mature adult and not a judgmental loudmouth, you could live happily ever after.

Good luck,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I’m was shocked to learn that my brand-new husband had cruelly conspired with a thoroughly mad scientist to brainwash my newly resurrected ex-husband into despising me. What should I do?

Appalled

Dear Appalled,

Dump your bum of a new husband ASAP. He’s a lying skunk. As for your ex, take heart. Mad scientists aren’t called mad for nothing. Often, their dastardly procedures eventually wear off, meaning that all hope is not lost. In the meantime, don’t bother with Salem men. They are a collection of losers, misfits, sourpusses, and underhanded schemers. The only two worth having, my cuddly Victor and my handsome, manly son-in-law, are both taken.

Good luck,

Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I badly needed advice from a noted psychiatrist who’s critically ill, but her insensitive family refused to let me see her. What’s wrong with these people?

Miss G.

Dear G.,

What’s wrong with them? What’s wrong with you? Some people have claimed that my Victor lacks sensitivity, but compared to you, he’s a regular cuddle bear.

Sternly,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

A woman whose welfare I care about has trysted with one of Salem’s worst Casanovas. I tried to talk sense to her, but was cruelly rebuffed, so I put on my best glower and sternly warned lover boy. Did I do the right thing?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Unfortunately, your well-intentioned efforts are doomed to failure. Salem’s women are strong-willed and unreceptive to advice. Sami Brady was warned for years about EJ and didn’t listen. The truth only hit her between the eyes when he dumped her. Similarly, Salem’s Casanovas notoriously lack good sense, they will literally risk life and limb in pursuit of their sordid carnal desires.

Best wishes,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I’m the dreary, sort-of new love interest of a woman whose relationship with her late husband was one of Salem’s great love stories. Nobody accepts me. Worse, they rudely say I’m really boring. What can I do to be accepted?

Big H

Big H,

Forget it. There are no second acts for participants in Salem’s biggest romances, just ask ambulance chaser Aiden Jennings who tried and failed to follow the late Bo Brady with Hope. In fact, the only man who managed this feat was my cuddly Victor whom I married after my sainted Mickey died. From the way you describe yourself, you’re no Mickey and you’re certainly no Victor.

Ruffles McRed
 
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Dear Ruffles McRed,

My longtime on again/off again boyfriend/ex-husband has a child. Let's call her Snotty McBrattyPants. I've tried and tried and tried and I can't catch a break with this one. Little Miss Snotty lives in a dream world where her mommy (a Salem convict) and daddy are going to reunite. She's rude to me, right in front of her father, who does nothing. What should I do?

Sincerely, Song Bird

Dear Song Bird,

Don't fret. My dear daughter had reservations about me being married to Victor, due to his reputation, but after she realized he's just a big ol' cuddle bear with a fondness for my purple ribbon winning lemon bars, she relaxed and came to appreciate him. Give the little darling time and she'll calm down, and eventually come to like and appreciate you in her daddy's life. It's not like she's the daughter of that horrid Kristen DiMera, who is absolutely unredeemable, and any spawn of hers would surely be pure evil.

Hang in there, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

Accordng to the local media, Nicole Walker, who’s had numerous marriages and tawdry affairs, actually wore white for her marriage to EJ DiMera. I was appalled! Whatever happened to standards in this town!?

Traditional Granny

Dear Granny,

This is Salem. Do what I do in such circumstances. Keep your mouth shut and go with the flow.

Ruffles McRed
 
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Dear Ruffles McRed,

A wonderful older lady I know has been targeted by a creepy, lowlife grifter. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t make her see the light. Any advice.

Patchy Claus

Dear Patchy,

It’s remarkable how blind some women can be. My cuddly Victor would have known what to do, but I can’t endorse violence. My advice is to keep a close eye on this miscreant and if he goes too far, call that nice Rafael Hernandez who’ll slap the cuffs on him and put him where he belongs.

Helpfully,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

My wife just left me because I let her believe that I was the father of the child she had by some loser for whom she had the hots. I don’t see what the big deal is. How can I get her back?

Handsome & Wealthy

Dear Handsome (and clueless),

You’re toast. Contrary to what many in town think, paternity fraud is a big deal and a total relationship breaker. My advice to you is to do what my beloved Victor did when he foolishly married that gargoyle Vivian Alamain — give up and start over. If you’re lucky, you might find a clueless, superficial woman with whom you can start anew.

Judgmentally,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

Sorry to bother you — I’ve heard you’re busy with that problem Alex guy. My situation involves feeling guilty about benefitting from a scheme by my friend to get time with his nice girlfriend. I’m a talented lacrosse player who’s getting a free summer at a top lacrosse camp by taking the place of my lovelorn friend whose parents wanted to keep him away from his girlfriend. What do you think?

Teen A.

Dear Teen,

Relax, you are doing a good deed. Many of the parents in this town are so self-centered and dysfunctional that it’s not surprising that their children have to go to extreme measures to achieve normality for themselves.

Ruffles McRed

PS, you should have heard some of the things my wonderful Victor said about some of the people in town who happen to have children.
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I’m utterly distraught. I decided that I hated my cheating DiMera husband and was about to divorce him. Then, I had a change of heart and wanted a reconciliation only to find that he’d vanished. What can I do??

Ms. G.

Dear Ms.,

You can either do your best to forget him or sit tight and await developments. If he’s a DiMera, anything could happen. Sudden disappearances or returns are a way of life in that crazy family.

Wisely,

Ruffles McRed
 
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